This Just In

So, I’m in my backyard smoking a cigarette admiring the insane amount of basil that has taken over my garden. I feel something crawling down my arm and I spring into action, tossing my smoke aside and shaking out my sleeve. It’s not enough. Something is still tickling the hairs on my arm. I fumble with the buttons on my cuff and begin rolling up the fabric when that little bastard makes his move. You rarely see the spider that bites you, but I got the license plate on this one—small, slick and light brown. I’m closely monitoring the red bump on my wrist. It stings a little and the mild numbing sensation is still prevalent twenty minutes after the bite, but I’m not panicking yet. I’m no connoisseur of spiders, but I’m not convinced it was the dreaded brown recluse. It very well may have been a wolf spider.

In other news, Ebola has made its way into the United States. First reported case, and of course, the CDC ain’t talkin’. Four or five days after arriving here from Liberia, he began exhibiting symptoms. You would know, he’s in Dallas, about four hours away from yours truly. Is now the time to panic? I’ll take the brown recluse over Ebola.