Give more than you thought possible for what is the point in holding back? I have come a long way since the beginning of entries, but then again I still keep moving backwards so it seems. If there shall be an end to this all I welcome instead of resent. Insanity has been discussed in various conversations but the conclusion is always the same. How can we really know for sure? After denial has been laid to rest I came to find out that I probably am in love with you and have been for quite a while. I’m leaving with or without for there is nothing here for me anymore. I live the same day over and over again growing old when the sweet breath of adolescence seems like it was just yesterday. I love more than you will ever know and for the time being I regret to ever confess. Spring is on her way and as the winter nears the end I begin to wonder if we are too late having second thoughts about the dream that has been talked about for so long. My one true follower has grown sick leaving me with the worries of a widow. I am not capable of facing this world alone. My instinct is making claims to a future that is too ridiculous for me to follow but my spirit cannot hear these petty remarks, and therefore chases an idea that seems so far from reality. Old habits return after a short leave of absence and once again the morning is lost as afternoon is shortened into night. There is poetry in nothingness and I am the centerpiece. I sometimes see in your eyes what I feel in my heart but I know what can never be for relations stand in the way as well as mechanical teachings that have been pounded in the brain since day one. But here is another contradiction for we have always been against mainstream and it is in that two-sided room that we find one. My lesson is to avoid attachment and involvement but the damage has been done, my feet are wet and change has not ruined connection yet. This cannot go on forever. My emotions are shot and although in the prime of my life, I am left wondering about old age and death. Today I feel as though I can never make it or do what has been talked about. I know she is not here for me, but to be apart is devastating. Fear is to be left behind while the rest move on, which is why I still insist on leaving. Enchantment has been experienced but not yet captured. Follow my lead and forget the mainstream. This is it, now or never.
January 23, 1998