This is another one of my weaker days. Out of thousands of possibilities, the one thing that is lusted for can never become reality. It occurred to me that I am the reason for my misery, but how can you change instinct? I despise nights like this. The thought of tomorrow sends shivers up my spine but at the same time I can handle no more of today. My feelings tend to revolve around bitterness, but in the eyes of rejection my emotions fell numb. My mouth is throbbing and tastes like metal. My stomach feels empty but I cannot eat. Knowledge tells me that this too will pass, but what is there to look forward to? Nothing can direct be towards true happiness, and as I babble on night after night about selfish reasons for sadness, I realize what a bore I must be. Sarcasm is my only means of humor and my pride is really the only thing holding me back. I am very much aware of each and every one of my downfalls, that is the easy part. The more important question is how to overcome these bad traits? Time is running late while a verse from the past carries on tempting me to ignore my voice of reason and give in just as always. My faithful kept repeating the words that threw me over the edge, attempting to comfort my mood. I traded in my shoes for another pair and found pain that has seldom been experienced. After my appointment I shall apologize for any harm done, and as it is only fair, I shall expect the same. Once again I find myself fighting disappointment, trying to find peace in an empty space that was supposed to be filled with beauty.
March 16, 1998