Holding Out

August 11, 1999


I am cursed. Little girl dreams trick me again by changing masks and disguising their voice. Well, it’s not so much about you, it’s about deceit from long-time friends. Carelessness. I had not realized I was having a bad day until it was over and sometimes there is no one to talk to even when surrounded by loved ones. Especially. I hate talking about or even writing about the reasons that I’m down, and behind backs, close to tears. It just sounds so pathetic to me after I speak my dwellings aloud or confess them to paper. I am stronger than that, right? These petty mishaps are not worth suffering but finally I’ve learned that you can’t fib to your emotions. So yes, I am affected by the news of your marriage plans scheduled for next month. Another face from the past came back into “the big picture”. Finch is back in Humble (I had no idea he left). He’s this guy that I started seeing three years back until I discovered he was screwing my good friend Crystal on the side. She ended up winning, one, because I don’t play that game, and two, because I didn’t sleep with him. We weren’t that serious but I really liked him and for the life of me I don’t know why. He’s not my type at all, I mean, I’m not even attracted to him. Anyway, the day I got back from New Mexico Kenny calls me and says that Finch is back in town and would really, really, really like to see me. So I go over to Kenny’s place and we’re having a good time talking and laughing with each other. He makes his flirtation obvious and as I’m leaving he says, “I’ll see you again. I’ll make sure of it. How about this weekend?” Kenny’s having this big party Friday and Saturday, and after tonight I will not be attending. Kenny’s girlfriend told Jena on the phone that Finch is engaged to be married in a month but to not tell me because Kenny would get mad. Kenny has been my good friend for the last ten years, he and Finch are acquaintances. Well, let’s hear it for the buddy system. Yeah, maybe Finch thought he was going to get a piece but what’s in it for Kenny? So much for having loyal friends. I’m sick of being alone. I want to experience what everyone else has. I’ve never been in a real relationship. I’ve never even been given roses, or even weeds. I have my fantasy man hiding in my bedroom closet waiting for a human form to occupy. He is soft spoken and his tongue bares depth. His frame is defined but slender, and his hands, oh his beautiful hands. They are gentle and careful with fingers that are blessed with length and smoothness except for the tips which are calloused from strumming a guitar. Maybe he even plays the piano. He would have to with hands like that. He moves with natural grace and believes that we are all worth the universe for life is a gift not a chore. His spirit is free and heart true to whomever he holds dear. When he kisses me my body melts but those hands mold me back together connecting me with his body giving me strength and assurance. So far no one has come close.

Author: Lindsay Niemann

Writer | Graphic Artist