Suspended in September

January 16, 2000 (8:13 pm)

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Remember when we used to walk down to the docks to get away from life? For hours we sat under that bridge talking about our dreams and crying about our current situations. I need that now. Tonight is hard to handle when the past repeats itself and the future already decided. I am finding it hard to deal with sensitive feelings that are looking to me for explanations. Keep it to yourself. Suppress. Deny. Keep it together. I wish you were here to walk with me for miles and lend that ear that I used to take for granted. I wish you were here to throw glass bottles with me against graffitied concrete over and over again until the last of our hidden rage was exhaled. I know this now that I could have been a better friend that you were counting on in the end. How did you know it was time? I wish I could have been home when your last phone call dialed my numbers the night before you…

The night before now six years ago but I’ve been meaning to write this letter. I have been selfish today and yesterday as well, but I need time to myself in moments like this. I need time to myself for hours on end. With instinct I grew numb just as they said I would, but this year I am still not gone and the numbness has slipped away leaving me suspended in September. In dreams I have seen your smile smiling back at me as if my mind had been playing tricks again and your heart never missed that beat. Tonight I feel like walking to the street where magnolias bend but my feet remain planted in an empty backyard fenced in.  -To Julie- 

Author: Lindsay Niemann

Writer | Graphic Artist

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