I don’t know what I’m doing. The only reason I went back to school was because I didn’t want to work anymore. The summer seems to be dragging by and it’s not even July yet. My self-set goals keep getting pushed back and now I’m beginning to wonder if they even exist anymore. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The want and the need to leave home to do what I want to do, be who I want to be, go where I want to go, and see what I want to see are there but I just can’t find the drive. I have been sucked deep into the depths of security where life becomes meaningless and drone. Every day it’s the same thing, the same worries, the same reactions, until sleep dismisses me and I’m able to escape to a different life. But even dreams have become reoccurring. I still don’t know if I care about college but as a precaution to feeling like a full-fledged slacker, I go. I don’t know if I’m suffering from depression, or laziness, or if I’ve just lost direction for a moment. Maybe my problem is that I just don’t know how to go out there and get what I want. This is another one of those nights spent locked away in my room smoking cigarette after cigarette while pondering the obstacles in my path. I have been hiding from the sun and neglecting the spirits of the beach.
June 6, 2000