There’s something I’m looking for but I’m not sure what it is yet. There is much that I am still not able to say, not because I don’t know how to say it, I just don’t know what it is I should say. My creativity and ability to appreciate the minutes of my days is lacking and too often I find myself drifting from conversations and coming up short for words when I do try to participate. Going to Yellowstone is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I must accept the fact that there is a part of me that is reluctant to leave. Journal after journal I have complained about living in Houston, I have dreamed and written verse after verse about traveling and living in the mountains. Security has a firm grip on my hand, and although I used to walk with him side by side, I now find myself pulling away. Yes, I have indeed lost something, and still unable to pinpoint the exact recovery I am searching for, I feel certain there is more than one recovery to be made. I once believed in the course and aspirations I laid out for myself, but broadening my horizon and interaction among fellow strugglers has left me with feelings of inadequacy and inferiority.
May 5, 2001