I don’t recognize my actions or persona anymore. This is a segment of my life that will forever be glamorous when the moment has passed me by. The strenuous and ongoing task of persuading my shy and pensive spirit to overpower my mind from strange and destructive quirks has not been running smoothly. It is much more difficult to learn from the past than I had thought, but let’s not talk about the raging past yet. My desire to be understood, to make a connection with someone other than myself, is a driving force in the course of my journey. Severe mood swings have been controlling my popularity, and although most of the residents I bunk with are nice people, I wish they would all just disappear. My addictions are running low as I forgot to take into account the fact that I would be here for three months. I am not yet relaxed and social discrepancies are starving my need to fulfill whatever it is I came here to do. What did I come here to do? Fall in love, chase my dream, enjoy my youth, discover the world, gain insight and wisdom from living outside of my plastic bubble? The season is halfway over and I’m feeling unsuccessful in my quest. This weekend I will be camping out for the first time since I’ve been here. The mountains look depressingly different when you’re not on vacation; when taken with you is all that you usually leave behind. I hope to replenish my focus and gaze into that undulating vision I have been chasing since I mastered the gift of sight.
June 28, 2001