Everybody else’s bad mood has rubbed off on me. Why is it that every time I’m having a good day, no one else is? Selfishness is growing. I am sick of other people’s problems and hearing about why their lives are so horrible. I have my own “dirty laundry” to sort through. So, I’m really getting to know that side of me, the one I’ve been trying to ignore and dismiss, the one that literally makes me want to dive into the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone. I am an extremely jealous person even when it comes to those I love. I hate the fact that it is difficult for me to truly be happy for someone when pleasure and good luck shower their life, and I’m always in the shadows watching these condescending parades march by. My judgement of people in general is harsh yet I scold others for offering me the exact same treatment, which, in turn, gives way to my most hated pet peeve – hypocrisy. The practice of believing in myself has led to a confusing array of truths, lies, and that which cannot be labeled. Have I made any progress at all?
I don’t know who I am, but I think it’s okay for the time being. I know that I am lonely and feel the need to capture the heart of the world, and I also know how desperate that must be. The time is come to look within. 7/27/01