Patterns of Regret

March 11, 2002

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I am driven by a need for accomplishment. It seems I am driven by this and nothing more. Maybe I’m trying too hard. Maybe I’ve just lost interest. Whatever the reason, I’m sick of feeling useless, inexperienced, and altogether invisible. So here it goes. I am at that point where I am willing to put aside my absurdly paranoid self-consciousness and expose what I try to hide. I shall conquer all that I fear…

I believe I burnt myself out on traveling and running away from home, yet, I am still restless. My friends from Yellowstone are all returning this summer for another five months of working laundry, back country hiking, swimming at Chico, and all-night bar sessions. I decided to spend the summer here in Houston. My excuse was that I wanted to hurry up and finish school, and besides, I don’t really have the money to go, but there is something else I haven’t wanted to admit to myself. It seems as though I didn’t enjoy myself the way I should have or could have because of my own reservations. No matter how extravagant or awe-inspiring the day had been, there was always something in the back of my head and in my thoughts that didn’t allow my full attention to dwell on such good fortunes. In the midst of discovery I found myself still searching. When I thought I had stumbled upon the antidote I had needed by biding my time in unknown territory among ancient formations, I was confronted with the terrifying realization that I still do not know what I want. This is not to be taken the wrong way for I captured some of the happiest memories I’ve ever possessed, but I didn’t live up to my expectations, and now I am tormented in questioning what my expectations truly are? So, as winter draws to a close and spring is beginning to open her doors for summer, time elapses between my adventures in bison land and my return to home and to college. My brother will also be working in geyser country this summer, and I can already detect the waves of regret heading my way. I just didn’t think I was up to it. I would want things to be exactly as they were last season, and common sense tells me that’s impossible. It seems to me that once you experience, and “get your feet wet” so to speak, the more fear you acquire in the long run.

Author: Lindsay Niemann

Writer | Graphic Artist