Undeserving

May 16, 2002

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I will do this on my own; this day and night drama whose season may never come to a close. I am unhappy with you; disappointed in you; disillusioned with you. I should have never believed in anyone else, but then I was young and you were old and we formulated our sick devotion. I guess I no longer need you.

How am I supposed to react? I wanted a change. I needed a change. I saved my own life by activating that change. I’m tired of waiting for happiness. My sense for tragedy runs deep, and with the mind of a 25 year old child, I do not yet know how to survive in the “adult world”. Yet I have, over and over again, I survive. Yes, it is true that my love has been altered, and in the wake of my first true independence, I fed that part of myself which contains a small amount of love for…you. But as I’ve said in the past, this is not about you, this is about me. It is time to retreat once again to a different kind of day with a different kind of view, but I must remain stationed here to fulfill my contract with college. College, what a joke. I used to know what I wanted to do with my life until I went to college. I see that my life is moving along rather quickly and thoughts of old age and death are becoming obsessive. My academic career seems very much unimportant when confronted with mortality. I simply cannot fathom the distant future when I will no longer possess my youth, and finally, no longer exist on this earth, my earth. But I am still twenty-something trying to figure out exactly where I’m supposed to fit in, and not yet fully aware of how much of an enemy time truly is. When did I start living in a blur where passion and idealism are all used up and that ever-threatening reality of humdrum days spent in a continuous cycle of redundancies is all that is left? To put it simply: I have lost my passion for life and not the mountains, nor the beach, nor college is going to bring it back. When will I stop driving myself insane and questioning all that I once put faith in? So I am turned off by college, disillusioned with friends, fearful of the future, and void of passion, but I am beginning to catch on. I am not entirely lost, and having recognized a crucial component of my complex makeup, I can enhance that which will improve, and delete that which only takes up room. I have been very disappointed in myself.

Author: Lindsay Niemann

Writer | Graphic Artist