I am trying to make friends, but everybody my age is married with children. I can’t relate. Stuck in my own world again, I pacify myself to pass the time. Jumping over imaginary barriers, I relish in the idea that I might be going somewhere. My generation is losing its youth, and as I compare my accomplishments with that of others, I lose much needed esteem. I don’t want to be married. I don’t want kids. I don’t want a nine to five job. I don’t want to grow up. So, what is left to do when “the norm” is not desired? I’ve bided my time crossing state lines and sleeping till three. I’ve worked meaningless jobs and took college at a slow pace as an effort to postpone decision. I’ve outdone myself by stepping up to the plate and taking a dive when I never really learned how. I’ve watched death creep through my life like a disease with no cure. I’ve chased ghosts and wasted energy on negative outcomes. I’ve seen passion come and go and realized the many sub-categories that go along with the territory. I’ve experimented with all those enticing sins they tell you to stay away from. I’ve watched time fly by in a series of freeze frames and fragmented illusions.
February 28, 2003