Inside the realm of family, I am suffocated by love. Unconditional love dripping from the pores of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandfathers and mothers – I feel undeserving, selfish and immature. All I want to do is go home and be by myself, but in an attempt to fulfill a selfless deed, I agree to stay a week in a little known town called Bay City and help out with Vacation Bible School at the Nazarene Church. The same church my mom and her sister grew up in and sang duets every Sunday in front of the congregation. The same church where, Hazel, my mother’s mother, whom I never met, married my grandfather, aka, Papa Al. Most of the members of the church now are all well over 60. About 15 people show up for church on Sundays and even less on Wednesdays. It’s a small church that probably won’t be around for much longer. Bay City will pull the plug. VBS was more like free babysitting for the mothers of Bay City. People were dropping off their children and they had never even attended a sermon there before. I helped out for three days, and then decided I really wasn’t helping much. Everyone else had a job, but I could never find anything to do. To make a long story short, I think I angered a loved one by deciding to come home, skipping out on the last 2 days of VBS, but like I said, I just needed to be alone. I even chased my mom away. She was going to spend the night at my apartment, but she could sense my mood. She said she understood, and I know that she does. My mother and I have become much closer through the years. She understands me more than I know. So, suffice to say, I feel horrible. Unworthy and selfish. We all have our faults, but I’m having a hard time dealing with mine.
June 23, 2005