Candy Cigarettes

March 11, 1999


I’ve been deathly ill with the flu for a week now. Hopefully I will still have a job Monday. The fever, I think, has subsided but to avoid relapse I’m taking tomorrow off (might as well) and will also have the weekend to recuperate. Reluctantly I have cut down considerably with my smoking. Five days and only four cigarettes, we’ll see how this holds up. I really do want to quit but a big part of me enjoys it way too much. I think I’m over the nicotine addiction, it’s just the habit you know, I need something to supplement. My mom is ecstatic about this which is why I would really like to succeed. Cold turkey is not for me, but my method will work.


February 24, 1999

A house full of people, strangers mostly. Strangers that will forever remain strangers. I know how I must come off but you must understand that this is not how I am. The spirit inside me is so lively and charming, but how could you ever know from my drab appearance and dead stare into nothing, my reluctance to talk or even show face? Although it is not evident, a personality does exists, just not openly. Sometimes I would rather be anyone besides me. I don’t know what happened, I used to be able to make friends left and right. Nowadays any new face sends me into a state of shell shock. I would love to be beautiful. I know physical appearances mean nothing but I’m sick of going unnoticed. In the midst of a crowd I am left behind as they mingle into the next room carrying VIP’s in hand. Conversation never includes me and when I do speak up and throw in my two cents it goes unnoticed anyway. When I do decide to follow the crowd, they’re already somewhere else as I make my arrival. It’s never been my thing anyway. What do I care about the latest local punk band, or raves, or clubs? Coffee houses, arenas, bars, body piercing, tattoos, 6th street, Westheimer, Montrose, Fitzgerald’s, Instant Karma, Numbers. I will find my own kind beyond the city.


February 23, 1999

She was the most loyal person I’ve ever known. My body shivers at the thought of distant memories. When did I pass that line? Recent memories of yesterday have been cheated by the creation of time. Julie’s death has become another part of life and it is this that disturbs me more than anything else.


February 21, 1999

I always have dreams about stars. The sky is lit up by colorful constellations that actually don’t exist in the real world. Every night there is a different show and everybody stands outside at the same time they do every night to witness what the next picture, or message, or cartoon, or whatever will be.


February 20, 1999

I can see you in me, or me in you, whichever you choose. The music that once filled your ears with mellow tones of melancholy still plays on through mine. It’s a great feeling to dose yourself with the relaxation of valium, the creativity of marijuana, and the warm glow of a candle that rests on an old cassette player. There is nothing better than serene nights spent alone engulfed in personal expression and worldly echoes. Ancient ancestors whisper a family secret that is too well hidden to ever surface again. But this cannot be so, for those of us who have lived through secrets of the past know how prevalent they are.

Jellyfish Killers

February 19, 1999

Are you ready to feel the warmth of the sun caress your face as we stand with our feet planted in sandy water listening to nature’s symphony? I look to these days to come as some kind of reward to our current hardships. I miss our heart to heart talks, our debates, our secret obsessions, our affairs. I miss your smile, that knowing smile.

Every action I proceed to take is quickly criticized by someone somewhere. I prefer to stay away from the city for a while. Avoid the murmuring and chattering of crowded conversations piled much too high for these walls. I need to feel the sun on my back and inhale a breath of fresh air, but I need to feel it every day, not on somebody else’s time. So summer is on its way again but let us not forget the wonderful season of spring. I can’t wait for all the thunderstorms! Do you see what I mean? All of this will be missed for my eyes rarely see the light of day, and if they do they shall never witness sleep. I received my first raise today. Now I have a steady income of $7 an hour (laugh if need so). My dental insurance is about to kick in as well which makes me very happy. As soon as I pay off my car, get my teeth fixed, and put back a little more money, I swear to you I’m leaving!


February 18, 1999

I can still smell California on my clothes. New Mexico dirt still sticks to the soles of my boots. Nevada nightlife pumps like blood through my veins. The Arizona sun continues to warm my body. My eyes see through paned glass windows and the interior of the car has long ago been soaked deep into the pores of my skin. Yesterday seems like years ago. What do we care if tomorrow never comes? Just give us the rest of tonight to lingerie with stars that are riding on a breeze. So what if we lose our way? We can use the map as wallpaper and highlight as we go. We can plot the skyline and trace the scenery as it changes. We can attempt to capture the sunset.


September 1997

There is expression in decoration and my inspiration comes from this.

Mutation grows as we speak, it is a way of life.

We are not alone. We are overpopulated.

I guess the biggest disappointment is realizing that you’re not a kid anymore.

There are too many lost verses that will never actually see the light of day. They were scribbled onto scraps of paper that have long since been trashed.  2/99

Smile and Nod

February 16, 1999

My coworkers eat dog. They told me so themselves. I was offered to try some but quickly reminded them that I am in fact a vegetarian. I still don’t think they understand the concept of not eating meat. I am alone in my race on the second shift. Everyone else is from Thailand. They’re nice people but they don’t speak English very well. Most of them can’t even pronounce my name so they changed it to E-Joy which means skinny girl. My new goal is to make two car payments a month instead of one so I can have it paid off by June instead of September. This way I can travel this summer and not screw myself too bad by quitting my job.